In 500+ Words: Nothing Butt ‘Grey’ Skies Smirking at Me
Confession, sans restraints: EL James‘ Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy (pictured above) was aiiiight. Nearly sixty years after Story of O, Pauline Réage’s palpable words pique the senses and rev up the imagination. Part I of FSOG sucked harder than Anastasia Steele’s virginal lips on … well, y’know. The kinkiest thing about James’ protag is her first name, which conjures up steely anal ecstasy. On the flip side, her name approximates anesthesia when the reader finds herself drowning in a sea of first-person pronouns, swept toward the void of unconsciousness. Enough about the subjective, objective and obsessive …
In the case of Darker — Part II of FSOG — it was my fave, but by the end of Part III, hell, I was ready to be “freed.” Who cares? you may be pondering at the moment. Myyyyy blog didn’t get picked up and transformed into global bestsellers. Yeah, I’m feelin’ you. The point of this blog post, though, is: Now I’m bummed that someone other than hottie Simon Baker (Charlie Hunnam, for some inexplicable reason) has been cast as “Christian Grey” in the upcoming film adaptation to be directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson. The Twilight chick, Kristen Stewart, would’ve been perfectly pale as the alabaster porcelain doll, Anal — I mean, Ana. Damn, where is my mind tonight? Up my a…
As I had started to explain, one would’ve had to be comatose for at least ten years not to know who Simon Baker is — in the U.S. anyway. Baker has had two great dramatic series on U.S. television since 2001: first, “The Guardian,” then “The Mentalist,” the latter of which is still going strong. A man doesn’t sport sexually menacing, thick eyebrows like George C. Scott’s and not be able to administer ritualistic physical discipline. No, I’m not hitting below the belt; in my fantasy, Baker is wielding one. (Make that two.) Just as yummy James Spader of yuppie-eighties-movies fame nailed his “Mr. Gray” persona (as well as Maggie Gyllenhaal’s title character) in 2002’s indie Master-“piece,” Secretary, Baker would’ve been an obvious … dare I say it … fit as sadistic businessman “Grey.”
On film Beefcake’s, err, Baker’s “Christian” (yeah, the irony) seduced Anne Hathaway’s geeky-Mod character, “Andy,” then committed a BUI (bedding under the influence) in the 2006 comedy The Devil Wears Prada, which featured another tall, bushy-browed hunk, Adrian Grenier of HBO’s hit bromance comedy series “Entourage,” which itself satirized millennial nouveau riche excess of a wannabe A-list actor and his amigos in Los Angeles. In the romantic drama Something New (2006), Baker literally shined as “Brian,” Sanaa Lathan’s blind-date-turned-spouse (after much fucking with, and mental fucking by, Lathan’s cynical buppie princess, “Kenya”). As for the queasily anticipated film Fifty Shades of Grey: fifty lashes for the casting director!
When one considers the hypocrisy of sexual repression in America and all the post-Code gratuitous sex in commercial films, all the hype about the retooling of a British-authored BDSM-themed literary trilogy amounts to droplets of premature ejaculate. I don’t see Hollywood remaking (Americanizing) an arthouse erotic film such as Last Tango in Paris or In the Realm of the Senses — because its capitalistic elite doesn’t have the balls of independent auteurs. In a society plagued with high rates of teen pregnancies, divorces, drug- and gang-related murders — not to mention astronomical levels of homophobia — releasing an R-rated commercial movie about an alternative sexual lifestyle’s complex eroticism in the guise of modern romance, has BDSM taking on another meaning: “Big, Damn, Stupid Mistake.” Forget thumbs; I’m betting on giving this flick a clit down.
© 2013 Chantale Rêve
All Rights Reserved
Above, left: Actor Simon Baker in a still from the 2006 romantic comedy Something New (Photo Source: Focus Features)
Above, right: Actress Sanaa Lathan at San Diego’s Comic-Con in 2011 (Photo Source: Wikipedia.org Photographer: Gage Skidmore)